5 Secrets

Jackie Lea Sommers, a writer friend (and, I don’t know if she knows it, but someone I consider a mentor) of mine wrote a post of the same title last week, challenging her readers with “your turn.” Instead of simply leaving a comment, I thought I’d use the opportunity to share five of my own secrets with my readers.

Source: Bethan, Flickr "I've got a secret, I can't tell you."

Source: Bethan, Flickr
“I’ve got a secret, I can’t tell you.”

  1. Writing terrifies me. It never used to, but during my last year of college I found myself struggling more to get words on paper than I did to write well. I still can’t shake the feeling that no matter how much effort I put into it, I’ll never be “good enough.”
  2. After my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, I suffered severe depression. Mostly, I felt a lot of guilt because I had really hoped I wasn’t pregnant before finally taking a test. It happened the summer before my senior year of college, and I was still nowhere near emotionally ready to go back when school started. I have a hard time talking about or admitting it because I’m afraid of how family might react, but I literally wanted to die and thought about it often. The only thing that kept me out of the stress center is probably that even though I didn’t want to live, I wasn’t suicidal. My class performance suffered, and so did my marriage. Counseling helped a lot.
  3. Garth and I really expected and hoped we would have a boy. We don’t think boys are better than girls, we just thought it would be nice if our oldest child was a boy. I always wanted an older brother, and he has a great relationship with his younger sister. We were shocked when we found out this baby is a girl, especially since his paternal side of the family produces far more boys than girls (about 10 to 2). In fact, even though we registered for a bunch of adorable girl stuff that day, when we went to bed that night, I cried. Everyone was expecting a boy, and I felt like I let them down somehow. It seems silly now. We’re really excited to meet our daughter (and girl stuff is way cuter anyway).
  4. We watch way too much TV. I hope that once the baby is born Garth and I cut back, but I feel that is doubtful. We watched a little too much before installing internet (which we went without for over two years), but now Netflix has turned our evenings into a potato fest.
  5. I started writing two novels three years ago that I stopped working on during college. I realize now that it may have been a mistake, but I felt I needed the training first before taking on such a large project. I still think about them every day, and I keep track of character development, plot, and other ideas in a journal. Sometime soon I will be ready to sit down and actually do the hard work of writing like it’s my job, but for now I’m content with harnessing my skills as a writer.

Your turn.

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5 thoughts on “5 Secrets

  1. Miscarriages are terribly painful no matter the circumstances. Your guilt make it so much worse. Thank you for sharing your pain and the advice that counseling can assist with your healing after a traumatic experience such as the loss of a child.

    Like

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